Hooray for Oppression!

I suppose someone, somewhere can make a reasonable excuse for why the Empire State Building was lit up for China. In a world where the United States is seen as evil because we pretended to drown three guys who just happened to want to kill babies, I suppose such things could even be considered common.

In the video game Command and Conquer: Red Alert, players can assume the role of Communist Russia. Actually Stalinist Russia, since the Man of Steel himself gives orders to the player. Seen as cheesy by today's standards, I thought the portrayal of Stalin was actually quite good at the time. I'll never forget this line:

"If one man dies, it is a tragedy. If a million die, it is a statistic."

Creepy as it is, perhaps these famous words can help us solve some of the problems we've been facing on the world stage. After all, our popularity of late, even with a big time rock star president, hasn't helped us win the Olympics, de-nuclearized Iran (or North Korea), and that mean old Hugo Chavez still doesn't like us. Apparently, the trick is not to pretend-kill a few folks, but to actually kill a whole lot of folks. Like, millions. Since China is now so beloved around the world, the obvious answer to our war woes is to start killing more people, like they did.

But therein lies the problem. For the last thirty years, we've been developing weapons that kill less, not more. "Smart" weapons technology is focused solely on doing as little collateral damage as possible. I think it is now clear that such a strategy was tragically myopic.

Now that the world knows we respect life, unlike the Chinese and other communists, they expect us not to kill at all. Our magical wonder weapons should be able to wage war without killing anyone. Maybe some light lesions and contusions are OK, but loss of life and limb is right out.

So how do we reverse the current negative opinion of the United States on the world stage? Fortunately we have all the tools we need right here at home, and we won't even have to spend too much money to enact the plan. In fact, we can kill multiple birds with one stone! I know in today's economy bang for the buck is a high priority. My plan will give us the biggest possible bang for our teeny tiny bucks.

"zOMG, Peter," you might say, "wat iz tihns magik wepun?" Why, it's our nuclear arsenal, of course! Think of the possibilities. Nuclear weapons can kill tens, or even hundreds of thousands with just one warhead. We still have several thousand. With a limited nuclear war, we could easily begin closing the "Death Gap" we have with China, and begin securing our position as the world's most popular country.

But wait, there's more. Venezuela, Iran, North Korea, and Afghanistan have all been giving us headaches of late. By nuking these guys, we solve two problems at once! As Stalin also said, "Death solves all problems. No man, no problem."

But that's not all! Lots of other countries are upset with us because we don't do the environmentally correct thing. But neither has China, and they're way more popular than us. The nuclear option actually takes care of three problems at once! Not only will we kill millions of people, solve international political disputes, but we'll ruin the envirnoment at the same time! And all for one low price! It's a trifecta of savings.

Don't wait. Call your representative today. Those nukes aren't going to launch themselves. Sure, our popularity might take a hit in the short run. But think of the big picture. In fifty or sixty years, skyscrapers all over the world will fly the red, white, and blue as they celebrate our authoritative return as the world's most popular country.